When You Want Everything to Just STOP

“I just want everything to stop. I just want to be done.”

Those sentences are pretty much what’s been running through my mind for the past couple months. You know when everything just gets so overwhelming. It feels like everyone wants a piece of you and everyone wants you to completely devote yourself to them. It doesn’t help that I’m a perfectionist, and I probably expect ten times more out of myself than what anyone else does.

I love stories. In all the craziness of my life, I can always find a story that totally mirrors what I’m going through. I believe that stories have the power to change people’s lives. Stories can resonate in you like nothing else. Recently, my friend and I watched Barbie in The Princess and the Pauper. That movie first came out when I was seven, and I absolutely loved it.  So, when my friend and I watched it again, all those happy feelings came back. I hadn’t seen this movie in years, but all those powerful emotions from the story were still there.(Just a little side note, Princess and the Pauper is an awesome story. Way better romance than Twilight!) I promise there was a reason for me going off on a tangent (I never understood that phrase…) about stories. You’ll probably hear me talk a lot about stories. I am a writer after all. But I believe that stories have really shaped who we are as a society. People love stories. There’s a reason why Hollywood makes so much money. We love stories because they’re a reflection of things we go through or feelings that we can never find a good way to express.

Your life is a powerful story. You might think it’s a boring story. Or a hopeless one. Or a pointless story. I guarantee you’re wrong. In every story, there is the hopeless moment. Usually, there’s more than one hopeless moment. But the main character hangs on, because they see something worth it. If you’re reading this, then that means that you’re alive. If you put your hand over your heart, you would feel it beating. That beating is called purpose. Guess what, you have a 100% success rate of getting through bad days. There’s a reason you've hung on. There’s a reason you've kept going.

When you want to stop, when you want to quit, when you want to just give up and let go, remember the reason why you've kept at it for so long. Is it because you have a friend who’s looking up to you? Maybe you have a sibling who needs you. Maybe you just need to prove to yourself that you can keep going. In the darkness, it’s so easy to lose sight of the thing that kept you going. It’s in the darkness that you need to cling most to what you knew in the light.

The Princess and the Pauper isn't my favorite story. My favorite story is actually about a man who saw you and me in our hopelessness and decided that we were worth dying for. He put hope in the end of our story. I don’t know how much you know about Jesus. Maybe you don’t really believe in God. If you don’t, I’m not here to cram religion down your throat. I just want to let you know my reason for keeping on. This is the reason I keep going when I've just spent half the night crying myself to sleep— the reason I choose not to let the darkness envelop me. My Jesus saw me and decided that I was worth it. He decided that He would be broken. He would die a heinous death for me.

He believed that I was worth it. He believed that I had a purpose that could far exceed my brokenness. That is my reason for continuing.

Honestly, the last few months have been crazy. There have been really good things, like making a lot of awesome new friends and making some other friendships stronger. Then there have been some really not good things. Like having my mouth wired shut—and puking through that. Yeah, if you stick with me for the next couple weeks, you’ll probably get to hear about that (or I just lost half of you guys who would rather not hear about that…). A lot of the things that have happened have made me want to just stop, but life keeps going. I have to choose to keep going along with it.

When you want everything to just stop, what's your reason to keep going? 

A Video for Discussion

I found this video a few weeks ago, and I knew I wanted to share it on here. Honestly, this is a very powerful eleven minute video. It summarizes many of the things I am passionate about, and at the very least it spurs discussion. I hope you can gain a new perspective, and maybe find new courage to talk about things.



This video really only touches the surface of what mental illness is. It is such a complicated issue, and it affects so many people physically, emotionally, and spiritually. But, like he said  at the end:
"The only way we're going to beat a problem that people are battling alone is by standing strong together."

Thanks for watching! I really would like to hear your thoughts, whether you agree or disagree.

Monday Pick- Me- Up

I absolutely love this song. It's a message that I think everyone who's been or being bullied needs to hear, as well as just a reminder to all of us that pain does not last forever. Enjoy!

Also, if you have any songs that help you out when you're down, please fire suggestions my way.

Make sure to check back here Wednesday, because I have an exciting post planned!

Happy Monday!! (is that an oxymoron?)

Let's Try This Again

The title of this post has pretty much been my mantra over the last couple months. If you’re at all familiar with my blog, you know that I started it to help people who have faced struggles similar to the ones that I've faced. Things like depression, anxiety, bullying, and unhealthy self-image.

I started this blog after I thought I was pretty much over some of those issues. Oh, I knew that I would never be perfect. I knew that there would still be battles. Life is a series of ups and downs, right? But starting about the end of last summer, I got caught in a major down. I got up again. Then I fell. And the cycle kept repeating. Every time I fell again, it was worse than the previous time. Just imagine being punched in the stomach. Over and over and over.

Honestly, I’m still recovering. I had avoided posting, because I had no idea what to say. How was I supposed to bring encouragement and write something uplifting when I had barely found motivation to even get out of bed that morning? My family was walking on egg shells around me, because at any moment I could snap and pretty much become a monster. We had so many family blow ups, and I was the dynamite.

I tried to keep praying and reading my Bible and do all the things I knew to do, but I felt so guilty. How could I pray to God when just a few minutes before I had considered ending it all? Every time I looked in the mirror, I detested what I saw. Staring back at me was failure. Hopelessness.

I realized that suicide wasn’t the right answer, though the option entered my mind all too frequently. So I tried to change. I had gotten out of depression once before; I could do it again. I hit burn out so many times as I tried to do everything I thought I was supposed to do. I used the coping methods I had learned from therapy before. I would try my best to say positive things to myself. I tried to constantly be pleasant to my family. I tried to hang out with friends every chance I got, because I felt that I was only worth something when I had friends around me. I worked to develop the good Christian things that should be growing in my life. I worked out for an hour twice a day to change my body to something I would be happy with. I didn’t eat until my mom made me, because I felt that any food I ate would make me fatter than I already was.

And then the inevitable would happen, and I would mess up. I would scream at my mom. I’d eat an Oreo cookie. I would miss a workout. I’d have a breakdown. Then after a day or so, I’d pick myself up and go at it again.

I don’t know how many of you have struggled with depression, and everyone’s struggles are different anyway. But just let me tell you that it’s a scary place to be. You feel so alone. And then you start isolating yourself from others. Putting on a fake front, so no one knows what you’re really like. No one could possibly be dealing with the same things you’re dealing with. No one could possibly be so messed up.

And that isolation fertilizes your problems. It takes your lion-sized struggle and turns it into an elephant-sized battle.  Among the many bad decisions I've made in the last couple months, I have made one good one. Last month, I started opening up. I talked to my mom. I also opened up to my pastor’s wife, and to some other mentors I have. My problems haven’t vanished—far from it. But I know I’m not alone anymore. I know I’m not the only one struggling with this, and that brings a little bit of hope.

I was reminded of the reason I started this blog in the first place. To put an end to the isolation. I wanted to start a place where people can come and know that they’re not the only ones who are struggling.

So I invite you to join me on this journey. I can’t promise you that all your problems are going to go away. In fact, I guarantee that your problems aren’t all going to disappear. But if you’re open to it, I think you’re going to discover that you’re not alone. I’m not going to sugar coat things. I’m going to be raw and vulnerable, and I want my readers to feel like they can be the same way. Because I believe until you truly reach that point where you can’t go on anymore, you’ll never make any progress in the right direction.

I think my first few posts were kind of practice. Now that I’ve gotten my feet wet in the blogging pool, I’m ready to dive right in. So here’s what I’m gonna try. I might not be able to totally stick with it, but I won’t know until I try.

On Mondays, I’m not going to post a long post, just an inspirational or funny quote or song to start off your week. I’m not a big fan of Mondays. In fact, Garfield probably likes Mondays more than I do. So I feel like a good laugh would be a good way for me at least to start off the week.

On Wednesdays, I’m going to talk about mental illness, and some practical coping methods. Mental illness is an issue that has affected many areas of my family, and it’s an issue that is very close to my heart. I also do a lot of reading and research, so I’d like to share some of that. I’d also like to share some coping methods that I've learned and that others have used. I would love to hear some of your feedback as well on some things that you do when life gets tough.

Fridays are going to be the day for inspirational posts. For the next few Fridays, I’ll be talking about my journey over the last couple months. I’d also love to hear from some of you guys about your journeys.

Saturdays are going to be story days. I have yet to meet someone who doesn't love a good story. I love writing stories, and I also have several friends who are crazy talented authors. Once again, I’d also love to have stories from my readers. Having Saturday stories might take a little bit of time to get up and running, but I’m hoping to have it going soon.

I really visualize this blog as being a community. I know it might take some time for people to feel comfortable commenting and writing blog posts. But I’m willing to be patient. And if only one person gets helped, I’ll be ecstatic. So, I encourage comments. I want to hear your stories. You can be anonymous as well. I get it that these are some scary topics.  

But no idiots. I have no tolerance for bullies. Okay?

I’m excited about sharing this journey with you!

Love,

Jyllenna

P.S. You may have noticed that there wasn't a photo with this post. I’m more of a writer than a photographer, and I’m never sure of what pictures to put with a post. If you are a photographer or if you just love taking pictures, please send me some, and I’ll put them up with posts. I can mention your name or you can remain anonymous. Thanks so much!

Life is Short

Just a few weeks ago, a horrible tragedy shook my community. A second grader was killed by a bus while he was walking to school with his dad and older brother. When I think about what that must have been like, it almost makes me cry. To be walking to school together and then in the next instant, he’s gone. The brother of the boy actually plays football with my brother, so in a way, it kind of hit me in a different way too. I saw how tragedy can hit closer to home.

I guess this accident puts things in perspective for me. It re-emphasizes the frailty of life.  It also reminds me that there are people who are going through things that are harder. Those times when I just want to retreat and feel sorry for myself (which happen way too frequently), I want to remember this family.  I want to remember that even when things really suck for me, there’s someone else out there who has it way worse.

I want to live beyond my world.

Because at the end of the day, that’s where I’m going to find my happiness. I think sometimes when I’m stuck in a bad rut, it’s because I’m focused on me. Why my life sucks. How bad everyone is treating me. The list goes on. Truth be told, I think about myself way too often. As a result, I freak out over the little things. This last week has not been one of my better weeks for treating other people nice. I might have yelled a few times. I might have slammed a few doors.

Then I come back to that little boy. Life is short. I don’t want to waste it worrying about what that boy thinks, or getting angry about things that really don’t matter. I want to make a difference in my life.

Love,
Jyllenna

 

The Motions

Ever get those times when you really just don't feel like doing anything? You do what you have to do to get by. Somewhere in the back of your head, you know that you should be doing something more. But, day after day, you find yourself settling back into the same thing, not doing much of anything. My bedroom is testament to the fact that I haven't really felt like doing much of anything lately. I'd post a picture...but it's just that messy right now.

I'm a very hard working person. I set goals and I hate when I don't reach them. Sometimes I hit burnout and I need to recuperate. Sometimes that recuperation lasts too long and it becomes apathy.

And apathy is pathetic. And addicting.

I think a lot of the times I hit burnout, it's because I've been doing a lot of stuff. Things that are important (like schoolwork), but that don't quite ignite the passion in me. Things that don't require a special drive. Does that make any sense? I think half my brain is still in the confusing world of physics...and the other half is actually trying to make intelligent sounding words...

I've heard people talk about going through the motions. Usually I think of people faking. But I guess 'the motions' could also refer to you filling up your schedule with things to do, but neglecting to do something that ignites a spark in you. Things that are really only motions with no heart behind them.

In my drama class, we all shared stories about ourselves. Some were funny, but some were crazy sad. I would never have guessed some of the hell that some people went through. I think isolation breeds apathy. We think that we're the only ones who really feel the way we do, and then we just don't do anything to really change our world. Hearing all those stories gave me new inspiration to do something, even something small. I want to do something fueled by a passion, and hopefully re-ignite a spark in someone else, as my drama class did for me.

Here's to hoping this post made a little bit of sense! I'll be back with some more a little bit later. Hopefully, no more like 3 week gaps in between posts.

Love,
Jyllenna

 

 

Voices

Over the long weekend I was at a camp. This was definitely something I needed--I was way outside my comfort zone. I learned a lot while I was there, from both the speakers as well as the people I was with.  I'm still sorting through some things, and this post is honestly me just putting some stuff in perspective. I'm mostly talking to myself here...

One of the things the speaker said really resonated with me, and I think it's going to be my focus for this school year. He said:

"The voice that you magnify will be the voice that leads you."

Here's the thing. I magnify the wrong voice. Mine. My voice is not very smart. It tells me that I'm not good enough. That I'm a failure. That I'm not pretty enough. That I have no talents. That no one wants to be around me. Anyone relate?

There are other voices that want to bring us down too. The voice of the "popular" crowd. The voice of your ex. Even the voices of  family members. The voices of coaches, friends, and a host of other people can be extremely challenging to deal with. The voices we choose to respond to are going to be the ones that navigate our lives, whether or not we know it.

Every time I listen to my voice (which has been way too frequently lately), I miss out on something. When I give my voice the megaphone, nothing good happens. The last few weeks of my life have kind of been evidence of that.

So what voice do I need to magnify?

Love's voice.

Love says you're good enough.

Love says you're worth pursuing.

Love says you have a purpose.

Love says even when you fall, you can pick yourself up again. And again. And again.

Love says there's nothing wrong with you.

Love acknowledges that you're not perfect, but also says you're not hopeless.

Love says to leave all failures out of your vocabulary.

I really don't understand why I have such a hard time magnifying this voice. Maybe I just need to silence mine so I can hear Love's.

Love,
Jyllenna

"God is love." 1 John 4:8b

"Never let a man tell you you're not worth pursuing. For God became a man, died, and rose again just to purse you. You are worth purusing. You are beautiful. You are loved."