Life is Short

Just a few weeks ago, a horrible tragedy shook my community. A second grader was killed by a bus while he was walking to school with his dad and older brother. When I think about what that must have been like, it almost makes me cry. To be walking to school together and then in the next instant, he’s gone. The brother of the boy actually plays football with my brother, so in a way, it kind of hit me in a different way too. I saw how tragedy can hit closer to home.

I guess this accident puts things in perspective for me. It re-emphasizes the frailty of life.  It also reminds me that there are people who are going through things that are harder. Those times when I just want to retreat and feel sorry for myself (which happen way too frequently), I want to remember this family.  I want to remember that even when things really suck for me, there’s someone else out there who has it way worse.

I want to live beyond my world.

Because at the end of the day, that’s where I’m going to find my happiness. I think sometimes when I’m stuck in a bad rut, it’s because I’m focused on me. Why my life sucks. How bad everyone is treating me. The list goes on. Truth be told, I think about myself way too often. As a result, I freak out over the little things. This last week has not been one of my better weeks for treating other people nice. I might have yelled a few times. I might have slammed a few doors.

Then I come back to that little boy. Life is short. I don’t want to waste it worrying about what that boy thinks, or getting angry about things that really don’t matter. I want to make a difference in my life.

Love,
Jyllenna

 

The Motions

Ever get those times when you really just don't feel like doing anything? You do what you have to do to get by. Somewhere in the back of your head, you know that you should be doing something more. But, day after day, you find yourself settling back into the same thing, not doing much of anything. My bedroom is testament to the fact that I haven't really felt like doing much of anything lately. I'd post a picture...but it's just that messy right now.

I'm a very hard working person. I set goals and I hate when I don't reach them. Sometimes I hit burnout and I need to recuperate. Sometimes that recuperation lasts too long and it becomes apathy.

And apathy is pathetic. And addicting.

I think a lot of the times I hit burnout, it's because I've been doing a lot of stuff. Things that are important (like schoolwork), but that don't quite ignite the passion in me. Things that don't require a special drive. Does that make any sense? I think half my brain is still in the confusing world of physics...and the other half is actually trying to make intelligent sounding words...

I've heard people talk about going through the motions. Usually I think of people faking. But I guess 'the motions' could also refer to you filling up your schedule with things to do, but neglecting to do something that ignites a spark in you. Things that are really only motions with no heart behind them.

In my drama class, we all shared stories about ourselves. Some were funny, but some were crazy sad. I would never have guessed some of the hell that some people went through. I think isolation breeds apathy. We think that we're the only ones who really feel the way we do, and then we just don't do anything to really change our world. Hearing all those stories gave me new inspiration to do something, even something small. I want to do something fueled by a passion, and hopefully re-ignite a spark in someone else, as my drama class did for me.

Here's to hoping this post made a little bit of sense! I'll be back with some more a little bit later. Hopefully, no more like 3 week gaps in between posts.

Love,
Jyllenna

 

 

Voices

Over the long weekend I was at a camp. This was definitely something I needed--I was way outside my comfort zone. I learned a lot while I was there, from both the speakers as well as the people I was with.  I'm still sorting through some things, and this post is honestly me just putting some stuff in perspective. I'm mostly talking to myself here...

One of the things the speaker said really resonated with me, and I think it's going to be my focus for this school year. He said:

"The voice that you magnify will be the voice that leads you."

Here's the thing. I magnify the wrong voice. Mine. My voice is not very smart. It tells me that I'm not good enough. That I'm a failure. That I'm not pretty enough. That I have no talents. That no one wants to be around me. Anyone relate?

There are other voices that want to bring us down too. The voice of the "popular" crowd. The voice of your ex. Even the voices of  family members. The voices of coaches, friends, and a host of other people can be extremely challenging to deal with. The voices we choose to respond to are going to be the ones that navigate our lives, whether or not we know it.

Every time I listen to my voice (which has been way too frequently lately), I miss out on something. When I give my voice the megaphone, nothing good happens. The last few weeks of my life have kind of been evidence of that.

So what voice do I need to magnify?

Love's voice.

Love says you're good enough.

Love says you're worth pursuing.

Love says you have a purpose.

Love says even when you fall, you can pick yourself up again. And again. And again.

Love says there's nothing wrong with you.

Love acknowledges that you're not perfect, but also says you're not hopeless.

Love says to leave all failures out of your vocabulary.

I really don't understand why I have such a hard time magnifying this voice. Maybe I just need to silence mine so I can hear Love's.

Love,
Jyllenna

"God is love." 1 John 4:8b

"Never let a man tell you you're not worth pursuing. For God became a man, died, and rose again just to purse you. You are worth purusing. You are beautiful. You are loved."

Overcomers

Sorry, I know it's been a little while since I posted anything. I've been sorting through some things and navigating some scary waters. I'm hoping to be back sometime next week. I have lots of stuff to say!

Until next week, my fellow overcomers...ya'll are in my prayers!

If any of you need specific prayer, please let me know. I'm happy to join with you.

Love,
Jyllenna

My Awesome Brother

This guy is my little brother. Little in age, at least. He's twelve, and already five inches taller than me. And I don't think he's hit his growth spurt yet.

Sometimes (okay, maybe a lot of times) my brother annoys me. If anyone has a sibling that doesn't annoy them, I'd love to hear about it. He and I are complete opposites in almost every way. He's very happy go lucky and just wants to have fun, while I'm a very focused person. I like to have fun, but not quite in the same way he does. Then there's the fact that he's twelve and I'm sixteen. Enough said.

I'm not always the nicest person to my brother. I tend to be really hard on him. I often find myself forgetting what it was like to be twelve. Not that I really want to remember what it was like. Memories of thinking the Jonas Brothers were so cute, my frizzy hair, and general twelve-year-old awkwardness make me shudder a little bit. The tween years are awkward years for everyone. At least I tell myself that. I know my brother has had his fair share of challenges with moving from the place where he grew up and leaving all his friends. It's just so easy for me to get wrapped up in all my "big" teenager problems.

Last night, though, my brother did something so awesome for me though. I was having a bit of a rough time. I'd withdrawn to my room to just be alone (retreating behind my wall). As far as I knew, he didn't even think anything was going on. I'd been in my room for maybe five minutes when he knocked on my door. I grumpily said he could come in.

Guys, he came in and said, "I love you so much and I think you're the best sister ever."

I didn't really know what to say. After all the times I've treated him so horribly. All the times I've forgotten what he needed. All the times I've shoved him aside for my own wants  He comes to me while I'm really down and breaks down my wall just to tell me he loves me.

As I'm writing this, I'm full on crying now.

I'm not really sure where I was going with this post. I guess I just want to say to never think you're alone. I'm willing to bet that in your darkest moment, there's someone who's going to be there for you. Even when you feel you don't really have many friends. Even when you feel there's something wrong with you. There's someone in your life who will see everything that's right with you, and remind you of the important things in life.

I'm going to go spend some time with my brother now.

 

 

Walls

I build walls. A lot. I have a hard time letting people in, especially when I'm hurting. A few weeks ago, I dislocated my shoulder. It hurt so bad; I can't really think of words to describe it. I've never been one to cry when I get injured, but I was screaming in pain. My parents tried to help me, but I didn't let them. I didn't want anyone to touch me. I curled up into a ball of pain, shutting out anyone who just wanted to ease the hurt.

When we are in that much pain, we are responding instinctively. Our brain is responding based on the behaviors we've drilled into it. The brain is an amazing part of our body. Neuroscientists have discovered that the brain can actually repair itself from things like depression, dementia, and head traumas when it's fed with the positive thoughts and behaviors.

 Walls limit that healing and growth. People want to care. Not everyone is out to hurt us. Yes, people are going to disappoint us. Likely the people that are closest to us are going to inflict the biggest wounds. But when that hurt comes, we'll have others to rely on because we've allowed ourselves to form more relationships. Inside those walls, you're alone with the hurt, and that's just going to magnify the pain.

 Sometimes fear of ourselves keeps us trapped in those walls. What if I venture out of my walls and my many flaws mess things up? I really, really struggle with this. I hate screwing up, and I have a hard time moving past my failures, sometimes to the point that I'll quit something and never try it again because I messed up.

But what if I stay trapped in those walls forever?

What kind of things will I miss out on because I won't let other people help me? How much of my purpose can I honestly accomplish from behind a wall? Will I really live up to my potential? Could staying behind a wall result in possibly my biggest failure?

Tearing down walls is hard. Honestly, I'm writing this because this is something I need to do. Walls are built over time, one choice at a time. I think that walls can also be destroyed, one choice at a time. I just have to start making those choices.

Once the people who care about you start to see those walls coming down, I'll bet that they'll start to help you in the demolition. That's what happens when those walls start to come down.

I also know there's Someone who is a master at destroying walls and building love.

I'm taking the challenge. I'm going to make one decision that might knock a little crack in my walls. What about you?

Love,
Jyllenna

 It was by faith that the people of Israel marched around Jericho for seven days, and the walls came crashing down.                                                                                                              Hebrews 11:30

 

What If...

What if for one day I didn't criticize anything?

What if I just let things happen?

What if for one day, I didn't try to have better?

What if for one day, I didn't work myself into a frenzy trying to DO better or BE better?

What if for one day, I was just content with who I am?

What if just for one day, I just enjoyed life without worrying about all the things that aren't perfect?

I wonder what would happen.