Monday Pick- Me- Up

I absolutely love this song. It's a message that I think everyone who's been or being bullied needs to hear, as well as just a reminder to all of us that pain does not last forever. Enjoy!

Also, if you have any songs that help you out when you're down, please fire suggestions my way.

Make sure to check back here Wednesday, because I have an exciting post planned!

Happy Monday!! (is that an oxymoron?)

Let's Try This Again

The title of this post has pretty much been my mantra over the last couple months. If you’re at all familiar with my blog, you know that I started it to help people who have faced struggles similar to the ones that I've faced. Things like depression, anxiety, bullying, and unhealthy self-image.

I started this blog after I thought I was pretty much over some of those issues. Oh, I knew that I would never be perfect. I knew that there would still be battles. Life is a series of ups and downs, right? But starting about the end of last summer, I got caught in a major down. I got up again. Then I fell. And the cycle kept repeating. Every time I fell again, it was worse than the previous time. Just imagine being punched in the stomach. Over and over and over.

Honestly, I’m still recovering. I had avoided posting, because I had no idea what to say. How was I supposed to bring encouragement and write something uplifting when I had barely found motivation to even get out of bed that morning? My family was walking on egg shells around me, because at any moment I could snap and pretty much become a monster. We had so many family blow ups, and I was the dynamite.

I tried to keep praying and reading my Bible and do all the things I knew to do, but I felt so guilty. How could I pray to God when just a few minutes before I had considered ending it all? Every time I looked in the mirror, I detested what I saw. Staring back at me was failure. Hopelessness.

I realized that suicide wasn’t the right answer, though the option entered my mind all too frequently. So I tried to change. I had gotten out of depression once before; I could do it again. I hit burn out so many times as I tried to do everything I thought I was supposed to do. I used the coping methods I had learned from therapy before. I would try my best to say positive things to myself. I tried to constantly be pleasant to my family. I tried to hang out with friends every chance I got, because I felt that I was only worth something when I had friends around me. I worked to develop the good Christian things that should be growing in my life. I worked out for an hour twice a day to change my body to something I would be happy with. I didn’t eat until my mom made me, because I felt that any food I ate would make me fatter than I already was.

And then the inevitable would happen, and I would mess up. I would scream at my mom. I’d eat an Oreo cookie. I would miss a workout. I’d have a breakdown. Then after a day or so, I’d pick myself up and go at it again.

I don’t know how many of you have struggled with depression, and everyone’s struggles are different anyway. But just let me tell you that it’s a scary place to be. You feel so alone. And then you start isolating yourself from others. Putting on a fake front, so no one knows what you’re really like. No one could possibly be dealing with the same things you’re dealing with. No one could possibly be so messed up.

And that isolation fertilizes your problems. It takes your lion-sized struggle and turns it into an elephant-sized battle.  Among the many bad decisions I've made in the last couple months, I have made one good one. Last month, I started opening up. I talked to my mom. I also opened up to my pastor’s wife, and to some other mentors I have. My problems haven’t vanished—far from it. But I know I’m not alone anymore. I know I’m not the only one struggling with this, and that brings a little bit of hope.

I was reminded of the reason I started this blog in the first place. To put an end to the isolation. I wanted to start a place where people can come and know that they’re not the only ones who are struggling.

So I invite you to join me on this journey. I can’t promise you that all your problems are going to go away. In fact, I guarantee that your problems aren’t all going to disappear. But if you’re open to it, I think you’re going to discover that you’re not alone. I’m not going to sugar coat things. I’m going to be raw and vulnerable, and I want my readers to feel like they can be the same way. Because I believe until you truly reach that point where you can’t go on anymore, you’ll never make any progress in the right direction.

I think my first few posts were kind of practice. Now that I’ve gotten my feet wet in the blogging pool, I’m ready to dive right in. So here’s what I’m gonna try. I might not be able to totally stick with it, but I won’t know until I try.

On Mondays, I’m not going to post a long post, just an inspirational or funny quote or song to start off your week. I’m not a big fan of Mondays. In fact, Garfield probably likes Mondays more than I do. So I feel like a good laugh would be a good way for me at least to start off the week.

On Wednesdays, I’m going to talk about mental illness, and some practical coping methods. Mental illness is an issue that has affected many areas of my family, and it’s an issue that is very close to my heart. I also do a lot of reading and research, so I’d like to share some of that. I’d also like to share some coping methods that I've learned and that others have used. I would love to hear some of your feedback as well on some things that you do when life gets tough.

Fridays are going to be the day for inspirational posts. For the next few Fridays, I’ll be talking about my journey over the last couple months. I’d also love to hear from some of you guys about your journeys.

Saturdays are going to be story days. I have yet to meet someone who doesn't love a good story. I love writing stories, and I also have several friends who are crazy talented authors. Once again, I’d also love to have stories from my readers. Having Saturday stories might take a little bit of time to get up and running, but I’m hoping to have it going soon.

I really visualize this blog as being a community. I know it might take some time for people to feel comfortable commenting and writing blog posts. But I’m willing to be patient. And if only one person gets helped, I’ll be ecstatic. So, I encourage comments. I want to hear your stories. You can be anonymous as well. I get it that these are some scary topics.  

But no idiots. I have no tolerance for bullies. Okay?

I’m excited about sharing this journey with you!

Love,

Jyllenna

P.S. You may have noticed that there wasn't a photo with this post. I’m more of a writer than a photographer, and I’m never sure of what pictures to put with a post. If you are a photographer or if you just love taking pictures, please send me some, and I’ll put them up with posts. I can mention your name or you can remain anonymous. Thanks so much!

Life is Short

Just a few weeks ago, a horrible tragedy shook my community. A second grader was killed by a bus while he was walking to school with his dad and older brother. When I think about what that must have been like, it almost makes me cry. To be walking to school together and then in the next instant, he’s gone. The brother of the boy actually plays football with my brother, so in a way, it kind of hit me in a different way too. I saw how tragedy can hit closer to home.

I guess this accident puts things in perspective for me. It re-emphasizes the frailty of life.  It also reminds me that there are people who are going through things that are harder. Those times when I just want to retreat and feel sorry for myself (which happen way too frequently), I want to remember this family.  I want to remember that even when things really suck for me, there’s someone else out there who has it way worse.

I want to live beyond my world.

Because at the end of the day, that’s where I’m going to find my happiness. I think sometimes when I’m stuck in a bad rut, it’s because I’m focused on me. Why my life sucks. How bad everyone is treating me. The list goes on. Truth be told, I think about myself way too often. As a result, I freak out over the little things. This last week has not been one of my better weeks for treating other people nice. I might have yelled a few times. I might have slammed a few doors.

Then I come back to that little boy. Life is short. I don’t want to waste it worrying about what that boy thinks, or getting angry about things that really don’t matter. I want to make a difference in my life.

Love,
Jyllenna

 

The Motions

Ever get those times when you really just don't feel like doing anything? You do what you have to do to get by. Somewhere in the back of your head, you know that you should be doing something more. But, day after day, you find yourself settling back into the same thing, not doing much of anything. My bedroom is testament to the fact that I haven't really felt like doing much of anything lately. I'd post a picture...but it's just that messy right now.

I'm a very hard working person. I set goals and I hate when I don't reach them. Sometimes I hit burnout and I need to recuperate. Sometimes that recuperation lasts too long and it becomes apathy.

And apathy is pathetic. And addicting.

I think a lot of the times I hit burnout, it's because I've been doing a lot of stuff. Things that are important (like schoolwork), but that don't quite ignite the passion in me. Things that don't require a special drive. Does that make any sense? I think half my brain is still in the confusing world of physics...and the other half is actually trying to make intelligent sounding words...

I've heard people talk about going through the motions. Usually I think of people faking. But I guess 'the motions' could also refer to you filling up your schedule with things to do, but neglecting to do something that ignites a spark in you. Things that are really only motions with no heart behind them.

In my drama class, we all shared stories about ourselves. Some were funny, but some were crazy sad. I would never have guessed some of the hell that some people went through. I think isolation breeds apathy. We think that we're the only ones who really feel the way we do, and then we just don't do anything to really change our world. Hearing all those stories gave me new inspiration to do something, even something small. I want to do something fueled by a passion, and hopefully re-ignite a spark in someone else, as my drama class did for me.

Here's to hoping this post made a little bit of sense! I'll be back with some more a little bit later. Hopefully, no more like 3 week gaps in between posts.

Love,
Jyllenna

 

 

Voices

Over the long weekend I was at a camp. This was definitely something I needed--I was way outside my comfort zone. I learned a lot while I was there, from both the speakers as well as the people I was with.  I'm still sorting through some things, and this post is honestly me just putting some stuff in perspective. I'm mostly talking to myself here...

One of the things the speaker said really resonated with me, and I think it's going to be my focus for this school year. He said:

"The voice that you magnify will be the voice that leads you."

Here's the thing. I magnify the wrong voice. Mine. My voice is not very smart. It tells me that I'm not good enough. That I'm a failure. That I'm not pretty enough. That I have no talents. That no one wants to be around me. Anyone relate?

There are other voices that want to bring us down too. The voice of the "popular" crowd. The voice of your ex. Even the voices of  family members. The voices of coaches, friends, and a host of other people can be extremely challenging to deal with. The voices we choose to respond to are going to be the ones that navigate our lives, whether or not we know it.

Every time I listen to my voice (which has been way too frequently lately), I miss out on something. When I give my voice the megaphone, nothing good happens. The last few weeks of my life have kind of been evidence of that.

So what voice do I need to magnify?

Love's voice.

Love says you're good enough.

Love says you're worth pursuing.

Love says you have a purpose.

Love says even when you fall, you can pick yourself up again. And again. And again.

Love says there's nothing wrong with you.

Love acknowledges that you're not perfect, but also says you're not hopeless.

Love says to leave all failures out of your vocabulary.

I really don't understand why I have such a hard time magnifying this voice. Maybe I just need to silence mine so I can hear Love's.

Love,
Jyllenna

"God is love." 1 John 4:8b

"Never let a man tell you you're not worth pursuing. For God became a man, died, and rose again just to purse you. You are worth purusing. You are beautiful. You are loved."

Overcomers

Sorry, I know it's been a little while since I posted anything. I've been sorting through some things and navigating some scary waters. I'm hoping to be back sometime next week. I have lots of stuff to say!

Until next week, my fellow overcomers...ya'll are in my prayers!

If any of you need specific prayer, please let me know. I'm happy to join with you.

Love,
Jyllenna

My Awesome Brother

This guy is my little brother. Little in age, at least. He's twelve, and already five inches taller than me. And I don't think he's hit his growth spurt yet.

Sometimes (okay, maybe a lot of times) my brother annoys me. If anyone has a sibling that doesn't annoy them, I'd love to hear about it. He and I are complete opposites in almost every way. He's very happy go lucky and just wants to have fun, while I'm a very focused person. I like to have fun, but not quite in the same way he does. Then there's the fact that he's twelve and I'm sixteen. Enough said.

I'm not always the nicest person to my brother. I tend to be really hard on him. I often find myself forgetting what it was like to be twelve. Not that I really want to remember what it was like. Memories of thinking the Jonas Brothers were so cute, my frizzy hair, and general twelve-year-old awkwardness make me shudder a little bit. The tween years are awkward years for everyone. At least I tell myself that. I know my brother has had his fair share of challenges with moving from the place where he grew up and leaving all his friends. It's just so easy for me to get wrapped up in all my "big" teenager problems.

Last night, though, my brother did something so awesome for me though. I was having a bit of a rough time. I'd withdrawn to my room to just be alone (retreating behind my wall). As far as I knew, he didn't even think anything was going on. I'd been in my room for maybe five minutes when he knocked on my door. I grumpily said he could come in.

Guys, he came in and said, "I love you so much and I think you're the best sister ever."

I didn't really know what to say. After all the times I've treated him so horribly. All the times I've forgotten what he needed. All the times I've shoved him aside for my own wants  He comes to me while I'm really down and breaks down my wall just to tell me he loves me.

As I'm writing this, I'm full on crying now.

I'm not really sure where I was going with this post. I guess I just want to say to never think you're alone. I'm willing to bet that in your darkest moment, there's someone who's going to be there for you. Even when you feel you don't really have many friends. Even when you feel there's something wrong with you. There's someone in your life who will see everything that's right with you, and remind you of the important things in life.

I'm going to go spend some time with my brother now.